FDA Confiscates Miracle Weight-Loss Pill for Working Too Well

*Editor note, this blog post is intended as a satire piece to shed a bit of comic relief on miracle pills and too-good-to-be-true offers that plague the health and wellness industry*

A weight-loss pill that works so well, you don’t need to change your diet or exercise? Sounds too good to be true. At least, that is what the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) would seemingly like you to believe. Earlier this month, the FDA secretly confiscated all known pills and scientific work related to the weight-loss supplement, Trimtophan, after several extremely successful human trials.

According to an anonymous source at the FDA, in one Trimtophan trial, participants began shedding 20 to 30 pounds “even while being forced to eat donuts while simply watching romantic comedies on their couch.” With results such as these, this pill clearly deserves the ‘miracle’ moniker given to it by its supporters.


Billingsley Pharmaceuticals owns the Trimtophan patent and was hopeful that the miracle drug could hit the market by early 2015. According to company records the pill was originally developed with the purpose of curing certain digestive diseases. However, in early testing, the company discovered a very happy side-effect. Billingsley CEO, Clark Montheim, explained that “when we found out how easily and effectively our drug helped people lose weight, we immediately stopped trying to cure any diseases in order to finalize this miracle pill.” A fit looking Montheim added “I even took a couple pills home for me and my wife!”

One question that must be asked is, ‘why would the FDA want to cover up a weight-loss pill that not only works, but works without any lifestyle changes to one’s diet or exercise routine?’ It likely comes down to money. The U.S. weight-loss market is in the high tens of billions of dollars. A pill that works immediately without doing any work or experiencing side-effects could jeopardize the entire industry. Along with other drug manufacturers, whose weight-loss supplements would become outdated and irrelevant, other parts of the industry would certainly suffer revenue losses.

One such part of the industry that will likely suffer is supplement review websites. Rob Miller of SupplementCritique.com noted that “I can’t speak to the effectiveness of the pill because I haven’t tried it, but if it can do what it claims, it would likely be my last review. There would be no reason to review anything else.”

Other reviewers had similar sentiments to add about Trimtophan, including their own thoughts on how well the pill works. One reviewer stated that “this pill is a game changer. Without any exercise at all, significant weight-loss is guaranteed. Feel free to take the pill while eating McDonald’s burgers because it is that good!” When asked if he was able to receive the drug prior to the FDA intervening and confiscating everything he added “oh, no I never got any pills. I don’t need the actual pill to write my review.”

The FDA obviously knows that if this pill is sold on the open market it would render all other weight-loss supplements useless and is hoping hiding this fact will protect the U.S. economy. However, with an obesity epidemic in America, the move to hide this miracle pill could have negative effects on an already unhealthy general public. Without Trimtophan, consumers will be forced to continue eating healthily and exercising in order to lose weight effectively, which can be difficult. One potential consumer who has been trying to lose weight for years explained that “it’s just too hard to lose weight. I don’t have time to exercise and I really love food. That’s why I was so excited to hear about Trimtophan. The FDA should be ashamed for trying to keep it from us.”

Trimtophan supporters are attempting to stage a protest outside of the FDA headquarters in Maryland, just outside of Washington, DC, to express their displeasure with the FDA’s decision to hide this miracle pill from the public. Already several protestors have made their way into the area holding signs that read “I have a right to be thin!” and “Free Trimtophan!” A march on Washington was to be scheduled for later this month, but all the participants agreed that the exercise involved in walking to the White House would be counter to their efforts in supporting Trimtophan.

It is unclear if the FDA will ever allow Trimtophan to be sold in drugstores across the country. The only thing that is clear is that this miracle pill is what America needs and what overweight individuals have been dreaming about their whole lives; no more trips to the gym and more trips to the cookie aisle at the grocery store. Finally there is a weight-loss pill that works exactly as advertised. We just hope we get the opportunity to try it.

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