How to prepare for a job interview

1. Show up in the wrong clothing

If you want to guarantee that you won’t be hired, make sure to show up dressed unprofessionally, since first impressions really are everything. Those impossible-to-walk-in six-inch stilettos may be a good option. Have lots of tattoos? Make sure to show them by wearing a sleeveless shirt. Just dyed your hair a funky color? Do NOT touch up the roots. These are surefire ways to have your prospective employer hoping the interview will end early.

2. Show up unprepared

If you made it past the first impression, a good way to ensure you won’t make it to the question part of the interview is to show up unprepared. That hard copy of your resume they asked you for? Your cat ate it or your printer was busted that day. That pen you need to take notes? Make sure it’s running out of ink, so they can see you struggling to scratch your notes like hieroglyphics onto the paper. The addresses of your past employees and email addresses of your references? Say they all moved or got fired, and you haven’t heard from them in years.

3. Correct their Mistakes

So you made it to the question part? Here’s where you can really shine. Make sure you let them know that they are actually inferior to you. Did you just spend ten minutes explaining how you used tone of voice to deal with an issue at work only to have the interviewer smugly say, “Actually, the correct way to deal with the issue would be by using communication”? Make sure to let them know that they are stupid and that this is, in fact, what you have been saying all along.

4. Inform them of your alter ego

So you made it through the bulk of the questioning and now they want to know a little bit about you? Let them know about your alter club-hopping ego or the pet name your sorority sisters gave you in college. This way, they can return to their office and Google you, uncovering those images of you with your tongue hanging out of the side of your head like Miley Cyrus at the VMAs.

5. Give no answers or the wrong answers

When they ask you if you have any questions, make sure to say that you think they’ve covered everything and don’t have much else to say. Better yet, ask them what the salary is or if they are gonna hire you already or not.

If you follow these 5 simple steps, you are guaranteed to blow the interview and remain unemployed!

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