Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.’ ‘ Ben Hecht
So many men write asking for more specific information on how to approach the girl they’re infatuated with, or any girl at all, that I’ve decided to back up and start from the very beginning with a flirting primer.
Leave the Longing & Loneliness at Home
Flirting is a skill that takes time and practice to get down to an art. You will never be a great flirt if you only try out your skills when you’re already head-over-heels, in fact, you won’t even be a good one. Why? Because flirting is a light hearted and fun way to let a member of the opposite sex know that you’ve noticed them and appreciate what you’ve seen ‘ it’s not a way to fling your desperate longing at them, hoping they’ll catch it and make everything better by accepting you into their lives with open arms.
Flirting is sexy, desperation isn’t. We all know this. Most of us have seen exactly how showing both longing and loneliness have made people we know very unattractive and unappealing, and yet, when it comes to our own selves we forget this lesson the moment a pretty face turns our head and our hearts we want to rush right over to them and shout out our feelings.
Stop! Take ten deep breathes, chill and what ever you do don’t spill. There’s a time and place to let a significant other know how much you care ‘ but it’s not at the very beginning of the mating dance when you have absolutely no rapport established with this person except for a few shy ‘hellos’ in the hallway or at the coffee shop.
Allowing Feelings (That Dreaded Word)
I know what I’m about to say is going to sound like a contradiction but it isn’t. Just bare with me a few moments and I’ll explain. I want you to allow your crush and infatuation feelings. Yes, I still want you to stop, chill and don’t spill and then I want you to do something else ‘ I want you to allow the feelings that come up about this infatuation of yours, and I want you to be curious about it.
Pushing down feelings only means they subvert themselves and come out in other ways we don’t want (and which can become very embarrassing) and wreck havoc on our lives.
We’ve grown up now so it’s time to stop insulting or hitting girls to tell them we like them, and we’re learning that it’s no better rushing up to them and spilling our guts either, right?
By taking the time to feel what we need to feel, and be curious about it, we can regain our equilibrium and move forward with our lives. Infatuations and crushes can be very disruptive and disconcerting. By sitting down and being curious about them we not only find out what exactly is going on, we learn to enjoy the energy of the infatuation rather than be made miserable by it. Just why do you like this woman? What is it about her appearance and self that intrigues you so? Can you identify things about her that you’ve liked in other women in the past, or is this a brand new experience?
Notice there’s a big difference between being curious about your infatuation in private and reveling in it with friends to the point they want to throw up they’re so bored with your one track mine. No one is going to be as nearly as interested in a certain woman as you are ‘ unless they have a crush on her themselves.
Broadening Your Target
I don’t care how much you think the one you’re infatuated with right now is ‘your one and only’ you need to learn to be a good flirt (if only to keep her happy and interested in you in the years to come) and this isn’t going to happen if you focus on one woman. The more you practice your flirting the better you’ll be, and as I’ve said before, every single day of your life gives you ample opportunity ‘ if you’ve got the guts to take it.
Take the beginner’s challenge. For every woman you have a crush on challenge yourself to smile and say ‘hello’ to five strange women for each time you greet the object of your infatuation. Think of it as your civic duty to brighten the days of strange women. Casanova would be proud.
Give Compliments Away
A compliment isn’t truly a compliment unless it’s given away with no strings attached. You should never give a compliment unless you can do so without believing you need to receive anything in return. In fact, you should give compliments with the idea that you ‘just thought she ought to know that’she has a great smile, wrote a great report, and was wearing a color that made her eye color stand out’. This should be done whether you’re talking to a strange woman on a subway or the woman whose appearance sets your heart racing.
Keep the Tone Light
Just as compliments should be given away the tone of a compliment, especially in the early days of knowing someone (and especially a stranger), should be light. Flirting should be a fun game, not a solemn duty. The tone of your compliment should be that you’re enjoying telling the woman, not that you’ve been carrying around a heavy load you need to unburden on her. Remember, you want to spark her interest in you’not frighten her away with the idea that knowing you is going to be a tiresome chore.
Next week we’ll be moving on to the finer points about flirting, however, you need to understand and be able to use the above tools well before the finer points will work for you. Never underestimate how powerful learning to sit and chill with emotions and being curious about them can be (whether you’re dealing with infatuation or anger). Remember that people being people, are infinitely more curious about people we aren’t quite sure of rather than those we know we have eating out of the palm of our hands.
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